Parody/Homage/Carbonara

Published June 9, 2009

Blog post à la Robo et Murs.

This dish is a culinary secret handed down from the legendary Sean Conroy by way of my mother.

Ingredients:

• One whole pound of the most versatile player of all meats, Bacon. (You guys, it's good on everything. Take something taste - pepperoni pizza, for example - and add bacon and all of a sudden you've got heaven in a slice.)
• An arbitrary bunch of asparagus. I'm hard pressed to say just how much. It's admittedly a concession to appease some people who are unhappy with an otherwise perfect and healthy meal. Truth be told, though, well cooked asparagus rounds out the pasta just right. I'd say about 7-10 individual asparagi, and if you're desperate you're certainly allowed to substitute other veggies. I hear green beans do the trick.
• 1 pint whipping cream
• 2 eggs
• Enough penne to fill your largest pot
• Parmesan cheese

Steps

1. Begin to boil water to cook the pasta. Do not forget this crucial step, because if you're stuck leaving the sauce on the heat it'll get thick. Far from being the end of the world, all that is needed in this case is to add a bit of milk at the end.
2. Get your biggest, most serratedest knife and saw the hunk of bacon into little bits. I'd say 1/2" should be sufficient, as shrinkage is common in the process of maximum flavor potential fulfillment. Fry the product of this labor and try not to gobble the whole pan down as the sensual scent permeates your kitchen.
3. Chop the asparagus into pieces no larger than would comfortably fit in your mouth accompanied by a few noodles. If necessary, measure your mouth and subtract a couple of centimeters.
4. Turn down the bacon heat to somewhere around medium and carefully pour the entire pint of whipping cream straight into the pan. Don't you dare be tempted to sacrifice a single oz. of that grease. You need it all.
5. Add two egg yolks, (none of that white stuff,) and whisk as you do so.
6. Stir it up, add asparagus, and make sure it doesn't bubble too much. I'm not sure if the phrase is appropriate in this situation, but cook the asparagus al dente.
7. Strain yo noodles, place them back in their pot, and pour the entire contents of the bacony, asparagusy, creamy, greasy pan over the noodles. Mix well.

This should serve around 6 people, or 4 people who happen to want leftovers for a few days. This most recent batch was my sustenance for three consecutive excellent meals. Since eating food is really just the rational individual's excuse to drink Coke, don't forget to crack one open.